Message from the Animal Kingdom

You're kiddin', right?

No seriously. You don't buy that, do ya?

Excuse me while I laugh myself sick. Whoo-wee, do I need a banana!

There. OK. Now let's talk.

I heard a rumor...and yes, it's only a rumor. (You know how those hyenas like to gossip.)

But somebody told me you humans are spreading the story that we are...okay, get ready...that you and I are somehow related! No, I swear on a stack of rotten fruit that I'm not making this up! Hyenas chatter a lot, but they're usually pretty reliable.

I thought you were supposed to be the more intelligent of us species, but now I'm wondering. You won't catch anybody in the animal kingdom trying to pass off a puddle of barf like that. We know better.

Speech, for starters. We've got the lips and tongue for it, but not the mechanisms in between. We have our own ways of communicating, but nothing close to that confusing jumble you use. You can train us all you like, but we're not going to vocalize the Gettysburg Address.

And clothing? Forget it! We like our fur just as it is and frankly don't see the problem with picking our privates in public. Just like some of your baseball players. They're rude, but that doesn't make them primates.

I'm just a bit concerned. We've always understood your species to be at the top of the heap. Our Creator instilled the fear of you in every one of us, so it puzzles me why you want to pretend we're in the same family.

You've got it all! Thoughts, souls, music, a conscience, and above all, the chance to know the Creator. He became one of you, for goodness sakes. He didn't become one of us.

So, let's make this perfectly clear. We don't want you. We're primates and proud of it. We aren't trying to be YOU and we wonder why you pretend to be US.

One look at the things you're doing, the way you've treated our Creator, the boundaries you're crossing that were never meant to be crossed, should make it abundantly clear. But just in case you don't get it, let me spell it out.

The idea that you are our nearest kin is insulting to us. We think you want to blame your evil ways on us, so you can say it's not your fault, you're just a hairless monkey.

We have a request of you: Don't go looking to us to excuse your behavior. We'd never stoop that low. If you want an excuse, look somewhere else.

Thank you.

Use Your Brain

A thin man in a brown suit stood before the class of fourth-graders. Thirty pairs of eager eyes watched his every move.
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"Good morning. I am Mr. Ted, your substitute teacher for the day. Mrs. Armstrong left a worksheet for you, but that won't take long, I'm sure. It's all about the beginnings of the universe, and I'm sure you already know all about that. I thought it might be more interesting to talk about my watch."
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He removed a gold clasp and the heavy timepiece fell into his hand.
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He held it up. "Isn't it nice? It tells the times of four other countries of the world. Has a second hand, a stopwatch, and a compass. You'll never guess where I got it."
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Hands shot up and thirty voices didn't wait to be called upon.
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"Your mom gave it to ya!"
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"You bought it!"
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"Wal-Mart!"
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He smugly shook his head and allowed a hundred more shouted answers to fill the room.
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At last he held up a hand. "Nope. None of you are correct and I'm surprised. This is science class, after all, isn't it? I would think if you'd been doing your homework, you would easily guess where I got this fine watch."
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Now silence filled the room just as the voices had done. Freckled noses wrinkled into frowns as heads turned to look at one another.
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The man pocketed the watch and strolled around the teacher's desk to the chair, shaking his head. "Such a disappointment. And I thought you people were educated."
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He sat down and held the watch up once more. "Isn't it obvious? I found it. Strolling along the beach one day, I found it nestled in a pile of other rocks where it clearly began. Haven't any of you found watches in rock piles along the beach?"
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Heads slowly shook and every eye fastened on the odd stranger who had taken over their class.
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The man shook his head in surprise and studied the watch again with a puzzled look. "It is obvious that this watch sprouted out of the rocks, wouldn't you agree?"
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Laughter and shouts rang out. "That's crazy!"
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"No way, man!"
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"You outta yo' mind?"
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He frowned at them. "What do you mean? After studying the situation carefully, I reasoned that over a great deal of time, apparently one or two of those stones in the pile began to react with the atmosphere and elements which eventually resulted in this watch."
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Shrieks filled the air. Desks scooted as arms and legs flailed boisterously. "You nuts, Mr. Ted!"
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The man allowed a moment of hilarity, then stood and walked around the desk. He perched on the edge and held up the watch, a signal for instant quiet as every eager face waited for the next joke.
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"I suppose I don't understand your laughter. I thought that's what we were teaching in here, scientific reasoning. Can someone please explain the class's reaction?"
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From the third row in the middle, a tiny girl raised her hand.

"What is your name, please?"

"Marta," came the quiet voice.

Mr. Ted nodded and she rose on toothpick legs. Two honey-colored braids fell neatly down the sides of her chest. She licked her lips and cleared her throat. "A rock can't turn into a watch by itself. Somebody made that watch and you just found it there in the rocks." She sank back into her chair in obvious relief.
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Shouts of agreement rippled around the room.

Mr. Ted frowned once more at the watch in his hand, then at the class. "Let me see if I understand you, Marta. You're saying that you can tell by just looking at this fine watch that it couldn't have started in that rock pile? That it is clear it was designed by someone with a lot of knowledge about watches?"

"Yes!" came the shouts. "Finally! You dumb, Mr. Ted."

"Hm. That's interesting, but doesn't sound very scientific. After all, none of us actually saw anyone make this watch. What about if it took millions of years and lots of rain and atmospheric changes. Isn't that what you've been reading in Chapter Four? Couldn't that explain it?"

Groans and eye rolls followed that comment and a pudgy black boy stood. "Mr. Ted, that don't make no sense. You ain't gonna get no watch like that from no rocks, no matter how long you got!"

Mr. Ted nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I was sent here today to help you learn about the origins of the universe, but you clearly don't need my help." He held up the assigned worksheet. "This worksheet is titled "Using Your Brain," and it says here that you are to use scientific reasoning to explain the beginnings of the universe."
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He lifted a brow at them. "I think you just might be ready to do that now. Marta, would you please pass out the papers? I look forward to reading your answers. I'm certain Mrs. Armstrong will enjoy reading them as well. Be sure you follow the instructions on the page and use your brain."
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