Message from the Animal Kingdom

You're kiddin', right?

No seriously. You don't buy that, do ya?

Excuse me while I laugh myself sick. Whoo-wee, do I need a banana!

There. OK. Now let's talk.

I heard a rumor...and yes, it's only a rumor. (You know how those hyenas like to gossip.)

But somebody told me you humans are spreading the story that we are...okay, get ready...that you and I are somehow related! No, I swear on a stack of rotten fruit that I'm not making this up! Hyenas chatter a lot, but they're usually pretty reliable.

I thought you were supposed to be the more intelligent of us species, but now I'm wondering. You won't catch anybody in the animal kingdom trying to pass off a puddle of barf like that. We know better.

Speech, for starters. We've got the lips and tongue for it, but not the mechanisms in between. We have our own ways of communicating, but nothing close to that confusing jumble you use. You can train us all you like, but we're not going to vocalize the Gettysburg Address.

And clothing? Forget it! We like our fur just as it is and frankly don't see the problem with picking our privates in public. Just like some of your baseball players. They're rude, but that doesn't make them primates.

I'm just a bit concerned. We've always understood your species to be at the top of the heap. Our Creator instilled the fear of you in every one of us, so it puzzles me why you want to pretend we're in the same family.

You've got it all! Thoughts, souls, music, a conscience, and above all, the chance to know the Creator. He became one of you, for goodness sakes. He didn't become one of us.

So, let's make this perfectly clear. We don't want you. We're primates and proud of it. We aren't trying to be YOU and we wonder why you pretend to be US.

One look at the things you're doing, the way you've treated our Creator, the boundaries you're crossing that were never meant to be crossed, should make it abundantly clear. But just in case you don't get it, let me spell it out.

The idea that you are our nearest kin is insulting to us. We think you want to blame your evil ways on us, so you can say it's not your fault, you're just a hairless monkey.

We have a request of you: Don't go looking to us to excuse your behavior. We'd never stoop that low. If you want an excuse, look somewhere else.

Thank you.